By Jennifer Lauren Arceneaux, LMFT — licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in depression, self-esteem, stress, relationships, and parenting challenges.
No matter how healthy your relationship is, every couple will occasionally have conflict and disagreements. But how much conflict is too much? And what is the best way to handle conflict? How do we keep our marriages healthy and happy?
The Magic Relationship Ratio
Research has found the difference between happy and unhappy couples is reflected by the balance between positive and negative interactions during a conflict. As it turns out, there is a very specific ratio that makes love last. That magic ratio is 5 to 1. meaning for every negative interaction during a conflict, there were five or more positive interactions. Couples who ended up divorcing argued with a great deal of negative emotion and displayed far fewer expressions of positivity toward each other than those who stayed together. Couples who divorced were not only negative towards each other, they were also critical of each other. To understand better what this looks like in real life, below are several examples of negative and positive interactions.Negative interactions
Negative interactions, according to Gottman researchers are also predictors of divorce. These types of interactions have been termed the Four Horseman, and include:- Criticism
- Contempt
- Defensiveness
- Stonewalling
Positive Interactions
Be Interested
Do you listen when your partner complains about something or wants to share a story about their day? If your partner is upset or angry do you want to know why? Displaying interest includes asking open-ended questions. Listening with interest also includes more subtle signals such as nods and making eye contact, show your partner how closely you are listening.Show Affection
Do you hold hands, offer romantic kisses, or embrace your partner each day? Expressions of affection are important for maintaining a feeling of closeness. Affection can happen in small ways both within and outside of an argument. Within conflict, displays of physical and verbal affection can also reduce stress. If you’re having a difficult conversation, and one of you takes the other’s hand and expresses how difficult this conversation is, you will likely feel better. This is because displays of affection are bound to reduce tension and keep you both understanding the conflict is not bigger than your love for each other.Intentional Appreciation
How you think about your partner is important. Your thoughts about your partner influence how you treat them. By focusing on the positives aspects of your partner and your relationship, you bring positive energy into the relationship and increase the likelihood of positive interactions.Jennifer Lauren Counseling
Jennifer Lauren Arceneaux, LMFT is a licensed Psychotherapist and Marriage and Family Therapist. She provides therapy in Culver City, California to couples, families, and individuals. If you would like to learn more, call and book your first appointment or fill out the contact form and click Send.By Jennifer Lauren Arceneaux, LMFT.
Jennifer is a licensed marriage and family therapist in California with an MA in clinical psychology from Pepperdine University and a BA in social sciences from the University of California, Berkeley. She provides therapy for individuals, couples, and families.
Her professional background includes work with couples, families, young children with autism and their parents, and individuals in high-risk communities. She is also affiliated with Psi Chi and CAMFT.
Her professional background includes work with couples, families, young children with autism and their parents, and individuals in high-risk communities. She is also affiliated with Psi Chi and CAMFT.